Just this last weekend I turned 27.  I know that does not seem old, and really it is not, however in my short lifetime it seems aged.  I am nearing my ten year high school reunion and we are about to have our second child, it seems a mile from when I graduated almost ten years ago.  Every birthday brings with it some retrospection and reflection of where I have been and where I am going, that seems only natural.  As I near 30, the where I am going seems to have more urgency as I look back on what I wanted to do and what I have not accomplished yet to this point.  This certainly wasn’t how I wrote it up, although parts have come together nicely, such as being married and having kids and purchasing a house by 25.  There are still pieces missing, empty feelings of failure and dissatisfaction.  Some of that seems to be a personal complex brewing, but some of it seems to be honest shortcomings.

There is part of me that knows that I should focus more on the things I do have and the amazing blessings I have been given, and I get that.  Also, I am mindful that Christ warns us against planning too far and focusing too much on the future, and I get that.  I just feel as if there is something more I am meant to do or be and can’t see how it all melds together.  Youth I suppose.  I am at a crossroads.  Do I accept the life I am currently living or do I take steps to shake things up and better life for those around me, even if it means some time of discomfort.

I have been looking into going back to school to get a Master’s of Divinity, with the idea to continue through to the Doctorate level and eventually teach at the University level.  Along with that end goal, I would be participating in ministry all along the way.  However, there are several things my family would have to give up along the way.  We would have to downsize our way of living, try to sell our house, move further away from family, and certainly become less financially stable and comfortable.  It would be an entire shift in our lifestyle.  The student loans would pile up beyond belief and be almost impossible to ever pay back, unless Obama passes his new student loan legislation, which you can take that however you would like.  Let’s not forget two young children two and under.  There are so many angles to this that they are overwhelming and it is easy to just stay put and be comfortable or at least more comfortable.

On the other side, should monetary comfort and a simpler life be the main factor?  Should closeness to family be the main factor?  Should fear and doubt be the main factor?  It would seem in all of this that God be the main factor.  Trying to find His answer in all of this has been the hardest part of it all.  There are so many principles and teachings that go both ways that is becomes hard to decipher.  The concept of giving it up for Him sounds wonderful and leading a life in service to Him and working for Him and His Church as my main focus everyday seems amazing.  It would seem to be what we all should do on the surface.  Then I am mindful we all serve different roles and is this my role, is it the role for my wife and our children, is it what we are meant to be doing.  Am I ready?  Will I ever really be ready?  Does the fear of public speaking keep me at bay or do I cope and deal with that as I once did in debate?  I am just laying this out here because I don’t have the answer, prayer is pulling me both ways as well.

There is what my family calls the ‘itch’ and maybe that has come to play.  The need for movement, change and new direction.  As my Dad said though, “Are you meant to scratch it?”…I don’t know.